


Fading Grids

by Valda_a



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Self-Harm, jaehyun/optional nct member helps you overcome your bad habits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 23:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 80,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30046095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valda_a/pseuds/Valda_a
Summary: Ever since you’ve met Jaehyun, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.- While I wrote this with Jaehyun in mind, you can read all the 22 other versions of this fic in chapters 2-23. The fics are completely the same, I just changed the names so it could be about the member you want. -
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Reader, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Reader, Han Jisung | Han/Reader, Huang Ren Jun/Reader, Jung Sungchan/Reader, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Reader, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Reader, Kim Jungwoo (NCT)/Reader, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Reader, Lee Jeno/Reader, Lee Taeyong/Reader, Liu Yang Yang/Reader, Mark Lee (NCT)/Reader, Moon Taeil/Reader, Na Jaemin/Reader, Nakamoto Yuta/Reader, Osaki Shotaro/Reader, Qian Kun/Reader, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Reader, Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Reader, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Reader, Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun/Reader, Zhong Chen Le/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Jaehyun (Original fic)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Jaehyun shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Jaehyun finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Jaehyun, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Jaehyun._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Jaehyun just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Jaehyun, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Jaehyun, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Jaehyun! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Jaehyun’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Jaehyun, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Jaehyun, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Jaehyun, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Jaehyun’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Jaehyun a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Jaehyun followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Jaehyun distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Jaehyun. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Jaehyun, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Jaehyun walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Jaehyun to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Jaehyun said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Jaehyun’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Jaehyun, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Jaehyun’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Jaehyun. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Jaehyun spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Jaehyun’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Jaehyun just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Jaehyun’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	2. Taeil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Taeil, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Taeil shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Taeil finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Taeil, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Taeil._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Taeil just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Taeil, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Taeil, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Taeil! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Taeil’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Taeil, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Taeil, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Taeil, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Taeil’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Taeil a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Taeil followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Taeil distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Taeil. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Taeil, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Taeil walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Taeil to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Taeil said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Taeil’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Taeil, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Taeil’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Taeil. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Taeil spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Taeil’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Taeil just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Taeil’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	3. Taeyong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Taeyong, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Taeyong shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Taeyong finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Taeyong, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Taeyong._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Taeyong just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Taeyong, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Taeyong, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Taeyong! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Taeyong’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Taeyong, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Taeyong, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Taeyong, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Taeyong’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Taeyong a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Taeyong followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Taeyong distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Taeyong. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Taeyong, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Taeyong walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Taeyong to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Taeyong said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Taeyong’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Taeyong, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Taeyong’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Taeyong. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Taeyong spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Taeyong’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Taeyong just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Taeyong’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	4. Johnny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Johnny, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Johnny shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Johnny finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Johnny, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Johnny._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Johnny just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Johnny, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Johnny, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Johnny! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Johnny’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Johnny, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Johnny, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Johnny, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Johnny’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Johnny a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Johnny followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Johnny distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Johnny. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Johnny, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Johnny walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Johnny to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Johnny said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Johnny’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Johnny, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Johnny’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Johnny. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Johnny spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Johnny’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Johnny just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Johnny’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	5. Yuta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Yuta, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Yuta shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Yuta finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Yuta, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Yuta._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Yuta just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Yuta, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Yuta, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Yuta! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Yuta’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Yuta, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Yuta, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Yuta, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Yuta’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Yuta a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Yuta followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Yuta distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Yuta. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Yuta, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Yuta walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Yuta to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Yuta said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Yuta’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Yuta, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Yuta’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Yuta. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Yuta spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Yuta’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Yuta just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Yuta’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	6. Kun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Kun, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Kun shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Kun finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Kun, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Kun._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Kun just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Kun, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Kun, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Kun! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Kun’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Kun, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Kun, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Kun, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Kun’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Kun a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Kun followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Kun distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Kun. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Kun, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Kun walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Kun to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Kun said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Kun’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Kun, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Kun’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Kun. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Kun spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Kun’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Kun just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Kun’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	7. Doyoung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Doyoung, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Doyoung shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Doyoung finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Doyoung, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Doyoung._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Doyoung just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Doyoung, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Doyoung, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Doyoung! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Doyoung’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Doyoung, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Doyoung, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Doyoung, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Doyoung’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Doyoung a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Doyoung followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Doyoung distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Doyoung. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Doyoung, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Doyoung walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Doyoung to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Doyoung said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Doyoung’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Doyoung, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Doyoung’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Doyoung. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Doyoung spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Doyoung’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Doyoung just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Doyoung’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	8. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Ten, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Ten shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Ten finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Ten, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Ten._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Ten just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Ten, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Ten, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Ten! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Ten’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Ten, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Ten, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Ten, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Ten’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Ten a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Ten followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Ten distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Ten. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Ten, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Ten walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Ten to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Ten said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Ten’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Ten, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Ten’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Ten. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Ten spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Ten’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Ten just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Ten’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	9. Winwin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Sicheng, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Sicheng shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Sicheng finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Sicheng, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Sicheng._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Sicheng just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Sicheng, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Sicheng, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Sicheng! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Sicheng’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Sicheng, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Sicheng, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Sicheng, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Sicheng’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Sicheng a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Sicheng followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Sicheng distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Sicheng. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Sicheng, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Sicheng walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Sicheng to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Sicheng said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Sicheng’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Sicheng, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Sicheng’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Sicheng. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Sicheng spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Sicheng’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Sicheng just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Sicheng’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	10. Jungwoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Jungwoo, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Jungwoo shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Jungwoo finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Jungwoo, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Jungwoo._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Jungwoo just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Jungwoo, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Jungwoo, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Jungwoo! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Jungwoo’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Jungwoo, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Jungwoo, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Jungwoo, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Jungwoo’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Jungwoo a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Jungwoo followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Jungwoo distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Jungwoo. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Jungwoo, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Jungwoo walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Jungwoo to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Jungwoo said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Jungwoo’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Jungwoo, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Jungwoo’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Jungwoo. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Jungwoo spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Jungwoo’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Jungwoo just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Jungwoo’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	11. Lucas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Yukhei, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Yukhei shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Yukhei finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Yukhei, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Yukhei._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Yukhei just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Yukhei, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Yukhei, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Yukhei! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Yukhei’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Yukhei, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Yukhei, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Yukhei, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Yukhei’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Yukhei a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Yukhei followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Yukhei distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Yukhei. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Yukhei, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Yukhei walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Yukhei to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Yukhei said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Yukhei’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Yukhei, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Yukhei’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Yukhei. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Yukhei spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Yukhei’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Yukhei just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Yukhei’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	12. Mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Mark, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Mark shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Mark finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Mark, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Mark._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Mark just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Mark, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Mark, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Mark! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Mark’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Mark, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Mark, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Mark, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Mark’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Mark a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Mark followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Mark distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Mark. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Mark, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Mark walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Mark to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Mark said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Mark’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Mark, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Mark’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Mark. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Mark spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Mark’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Mark just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Mark’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	13. Xiaojun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Dejun, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Dejun shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Dejun finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Dejun, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Dejun._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Dejun just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Dejun, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Dejun, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Dejun! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Dejun’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Dejun, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Dejun, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Dejun, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Dejun’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Dejun a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Dejun followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Dejun distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Dejun. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Dejun, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Dejun walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Dejun to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Dejun said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Dejun’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Dejun, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Dejun’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Dejun. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Dejun spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Dejun’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Dejun just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Dejun’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	14. Hendery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Kunhang, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Kunhang shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Kunhang finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Kunhang, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Kunhang._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Kunhang just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Kunhang, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Kunhang, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Kunhang! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Kunhang’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Kunhang, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Kunhang, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Kunhang, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Kunhang’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Kunhang a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Kunhang followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Kunhang distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Kunhang. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Kunhang, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Kunhang walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Kunhang to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Kunhang said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Kunhang’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Kunhang, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Kunhang’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Kunhang. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Kunhang spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Kunhang’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Kunhang just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Kunhang’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	15. Renjun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Renjun, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Renjun shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Renjun finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Renjun, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Renjun._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Renjun just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Renjun, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Renjun, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Renjun! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Renjun’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Renjun, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Renjun, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Renjun, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Renjun’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Renjun a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Renjun followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Renjun distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Renjun. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Renjun, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Renjun walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Renjun to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Renjun said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Renjun’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Renjun, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Renjun’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Renjun. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Renjun spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Renjun’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Renjun just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Renjun’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	16. Jeno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Jeno, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.
> 
> Also, I don't write smut about Jeno, since he's apparently said somewhere that he doesn't want to be sexualized. This fic, however, is only the tiniest bit suggestive (you stop him before anything could even happen), so I feel comfortable with putting him in it. If you want me to delete his chapter, though, just tell me and I will :)

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Jeno shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Jeno finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Jeno, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Jeno._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Jeno just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Jeno, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Jeno, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Jeno! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Jeno’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Jeno, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Jeno, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Jeno, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Jeno’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Jeno a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Jeno followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Jeno distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Jeno. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Jeno, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Jeno walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Jeno to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Jeno said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Jeno’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Jeno, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Jeno’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Jeno. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Jeno spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Jeno’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Jeno just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Jeno’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	17. Haechan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Haechan, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Haechan shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Haechan finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Haechan, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Haechan._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Haechan just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Haechan, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Haechan, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Haechan! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Haechan’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Haechan, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Haechan, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Haechan, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Haechan’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Haechan a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Haechan followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Haechan distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Haechan. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Haechan, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Haechan walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Haechan to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Haechan said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Haechan’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Haechan, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Haechan’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Haechan. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Haechan spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Haechan’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Haechan just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Haechan’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	18. Jaemin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Jaemin, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Jaemin shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Jaemin finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Jaemin, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Jaemin._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Jaemin just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Jaemin, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Jaemin, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Jaemin! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Jaemin’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Jaemin, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Jaemin, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Jaemin, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Jaemin’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Jaemin a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Jaemin followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Jaemin distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Jaemin. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Jaemin, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Jaemin walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Jaemin to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Jaemin said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Jaemin’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Jaemin, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Jaemin’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Jaemin. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Jaemin spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Jaemin’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Jaemin just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Jaemin’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	19. Yangyang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Yangyang, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Yangyang shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Yangyang finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Yangyang, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Yangyang._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Yangyang just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Yangyang, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Yangyang, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Yangyang! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Yangyang’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Yangyang, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Yangyang, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Yangyang, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Yangyang’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Yangyang a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Yangyang followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Yangyang distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Yangyang. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Yangyang, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Yangyang walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Yangyang to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Yangyang said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Yangyang’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Yangyang, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Yangyang’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Yangyang. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Yangyang spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Yangyang’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Yangyang just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Yangyang’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	20. Shotaro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Shotaro, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Shotaro shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Shotaro finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Shotaro, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Shotaro._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Shotaro just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Shotaro, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Shotaro, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Shotaro! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Shotaro’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Shotaro, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Shotaro, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Shotaro, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Shotaro’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Shotaro a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Shotaro followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Shotaro distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Shotaro. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Shotaro, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Shotaro walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Shotaro to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Shotaro said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Shotaro’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Shotaro, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Shotaro’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Shotaro. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Shotaro spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Shotaro’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Shotaro just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Shotaro’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	21. Sungchan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Sungchan, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.
> 
> Also, I don't write smut for 01 liners and lower, but because this fic is only a little bit suggestive (the reader stops things from going any further), I'm comfortable enough with adding them in as well. If anyone doesn't like it, though, just tell me and I'll delete it :)

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Sungchan shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Sungchan finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Sungchan, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Sungchan._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Sungchan just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Sungchan, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Sungchan, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Sungchan! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Sungchan’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Sungchan, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Sungchan, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Sungchan, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Sungchan’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Sungchan a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Sungchan followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Sungchan distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Sungchan. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Sungchan, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Sungchan walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Sungchan to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Sungchan said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Sungchan’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Sungchan, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Sungchan’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Sungchan. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Sungchan spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Sungchan’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Sungchan just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Sungchan’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	22. Chenle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Chenle, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.
> 
> Also, I don't write smut for 01 liners and lower, but because this fic is only a little bit suggestive (the reader stops things from going any further), I'm comfortable enough with adding them in as well. If anyone doesn't like it, though, just tell me and I'll delete it :)

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Chenle shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Chenle finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Chenle, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Chenle._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Chenle just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Chenle, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Chenle, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Chenle! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Chenle’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Chenle, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Chenle, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Chenle, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Chenle’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Chenle a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Chenle followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Chenle distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Chenle. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Chenle, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Chenle walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Chenle to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Chenle said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Chenle’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Chenle, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Chenle’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Chenle. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Chenle spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Chenle’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Chenle just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Chenle’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


	23. Jisung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since you’ve met Jisung, it felt like a new light has shone into your life. Even the smallest gestures from him made you feel cared for and loved, a feeling you hadn’t felt in forever. However, you couldn’t help but worry. Worry about the day he will find out about your long-kept secret.
> 
> Or, in a less poetic way, the day that he’ll find out about your self-harming habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This fic is not meant to romanticize self-harm in any way and is mainly focused on the healing aspect of it and overcoming it with another person by your side. There are also no graphic descriptions of it, so I hope it doesn’t trigger anybody. As someone who has experience with this kind of issue, I know very well that there is nothing romantic about this and it’s a serious topic. However, as other fics with this kind of theme have helped me feel better in the past, I wanted to give back to the community and hopefully make someone feel even the tiniest bit better :)  
> And remember, you are strong, you are valid, you are worth something. Even if it might not seem like it right now, there are many reasons for you to keep going. Life will get better, and all that you might be dealing with right now will only make you stronger in the future.
> 
> Also, I don't write smut for 01 liners and lower, but because this fic is only a little bit suggestive (the reader stops things from going any further), I'm comfortable enough with adding them in as well. If anyone doesn't like it, though, just tell me and I'll delete it :)

It was yet another peaceful evening of lounging on the couch, doing absolutely nothing in an attempt to relax after a hard day. The lights in the living room were dimmed down, making the room feel that much cozier. The TV was on, illuminating your lying figure in an unnatural white. It only served as background noise, however, as you were mostly just looking at things on your phone. 

You could hear Jisung shuffling around in the kitchen, most likely making himself a quick snack after coming back from work a little while ago.

You smiled to yourself as you heard the quiet rustling in the other room. Your apartment used to be so empty, so quiet. Void of life, even with you in it. Colorless. But now, with Jisung finally moving in with you, it felt like your home was glowing. Everywhere you went, you would see small things that would remind you of him, even if he was away. His warm hoodie thrown over the chair that he would always beg you to wear. The tall vase full of beautiful flowers that he gave you when he took you out on a date last week. Hell, even just seeing the second toothbrush in your bathroom made you smile. 

You weren’t alone anymore. There was someone who cared for you now. A sun that brightened up not only your apartment, but your life as a whole.

Hadn’t it been for Jisung, you might not have been here anymore. As dark as that sounded, it was true. It felt as if he was an angel sent to you last minute to give you hope again. The will to keep going.

You still remember those days. Each passing day, you were growing more and more certain that your end was coming soon. With each new mark on your body, you could feel yourself slipping further away. You can still recall that same feeling of emptiness overcoming your heart and soul. That feeling of mindless surviving from one day to another.

Then he came along.

He didn’t know about them. There was no pity in his interest in you. He wasn’t caring just because he would have felt guilty if he didn’t do anything. He genuinely saw you as someone beautiful and interesting. 

And that’s what stung the most.

You feared the day that he would find out. When he would finally see you for who you were - someone fake, someone unstable, _a liar_. You imagined it over and over, a different scenario each time. Will he find out in the summer, when you’re constantly struggling to keep every scar hidden? When you have to keep coming up with believable lies as to why you can’t wear dresses and shorts, like all _normal_ people do? Or will it be by accident? When you’re changing out of your clothes and he walks in on you unknowingly? Or will he-

You could go on and on. There wasn’t a single day where these kinds of thoughts hadn’t occurred to you at least once. And all of them ended the exact same way every time. With him being shocked, angry, and _disgusted_. With him promptly breaking up with you and leaving you, along with the light he brought into your life. Leaving you in the dull darkness once again.

You felt like you were going crazy, the pressure and fear building up in you each day making you feel like you were drowning.

It had to stop. You had to stop.

And so you did.

_You told Jisung._

It was about two or three months into your relationship, during one of your usual movie nights. Well, you called it a movie night, but it was more or less just a giant cuddling session, really. It surprised you as well how quickly the two of you have grown close. You would almost never let anybody get that close to you in such a short span of time, so how did you end up like this so soon? And why did it make your heart rush with excitement every time?

You guess Jisung just really had that much of an effect on you.

He was perfect in every way. Caring, loving, respectful, patient, _oh so patient_ with you. It took just a single look from you for him to know if you were or weren’t comfortable doing something. And every time you weren’t, he’d just give you the sweetest smile, silently telling you that it’s okay, that he’ll wait for you.

The two of you were lying on the couch, with you resting on his chest and wrapped in his arms. You could tell that he wasn’t too engrossed in the movie you two were watching, noticing his glances at you every now and then. You didn’t mind, of course, it was adorable catching him every single time and watching the faintest blush spread across his cheeks along with a small smile.

But then his hands started to wander. And as they went further and further down, you knew what they were implying. What _he was implying_.

It was funny, really. Of all the scenarios you’d made up in your head about him discovering your utmostly hidden secret, this wasn’t in any of them.

You were brought out of your thoughts by the feeling of a hand slipping under your T-shirt, cold fingers contrasting your warm skin.

You snapped your head up, looking into your boyfriend’s eyes. He looked right back at you, and you could see that your sudden movement had startled him. His hand immediately retracted from you, fixing your shirt back in place as if to try and correct its mistakes.

“I, uh, I-I thought you were ready, sorry. I should have asked, I know, I really didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s okay, Jisung, really. I want this as much as you do, I promise. It’s just that...there’s something else that’s keeping me from being truly ready,” you said as you pulled yourself up from him into a sitting position. You tried to keep the rising nerves from shaking your voice, but it was getting harder with each passing second.

“And what is that something, baby? Is it something that I did?” He sat up as well, folding his hands in his lap.

You just shook your head, feeling the pit in your stomach growing. You tried to make up an excuse, but you couldn’t think of anything.

“Well, did you do something? Or did something happen? Talk to me, please,” he said, rubbing your arm comfortingly.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words came out. It felt like your brain was going a hundred miles a second, and you just couldn’t keep up. 

You couldn’t handle it anymore.

You broke down in tears, burying your head into his chest and letting his hoodie muffle your cries. ‘He doesn’t deserve this,’ you thought. ‘He doesn’t deserve _me_.’

Sobs continued to rack through your body, and it felt as if all of the pain you’ve been holding in was coming out at once. You clutched his arms in your hands, holding onto them for dear life.

His own hand had returned to your body, but this time, it just ran over your back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe your cries. The room was silent, safe for the sounds of your labored breathing and muffled sobs. 

You could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, only making you feel that much more guilty. You felt bad for him, you really did. He never deserved such a burden.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered after you had finally managed to get your voice under control again. You could feel the vibrations in his chest as he asked you why, voice sounding just as pained as yours.

This was it. No excuse will save you now.

You carefully pushed yourself away from his chest, locking eyes with him again. You tried to look for any clues on how he might be feeling right now, but you found nothing. They were completely unreadable to you, with an unknown emotion written in them. He was waiting.

You sighed. “Jisung, I...I’m really sorry. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t feel bad about anything that you’ve done. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me, and I couldn’t thank you enough. I don’t deserve you, seriously.”

At that, he opened his mouth to try and argue with you, but you just put your hand up, silencing him before he could say anything.

“Not only do I not deserve you, but you don’t deserve me either. You deserve someone happy, someone who you can depend on, someone who won’t be keeping secrets from you like I have.”

You could see the shock and betrayal on his face, eyes widening at your words.

“Wait, does that mean...a-are you cheating on me? (Y/N)? No, that’s not it, you wouldn’t do that, right?” He asked in a panic, grabbing your hands.

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes again. Fuck. Why the hell would you ever cheat on someone like him? And why does it hurt so much to do this?

“Of course I’m not cheating on you, Jisung! I would never do that! I just...” you trailed off, choking on your words. You removed your hands from his, folding them in your lap instead. You wanted to curl up in on yourself and disappear. This was never meant to happen. This shouldn’t be happening. 

And yet it is.

“You just what? (Y/N), please, tell me. I need you to tell me so I can help you,” he pressed on, rubbing your knee with his hand to emphasize his point. “Do you trust me?”

You could only weakly nod, feeling your throat constricting and stopping any potential words from coming out. A fresh set of tears spilled down your cheeks, making Jisung’s heart break at the sight.

He didn’t speak again, waiting for you. That was the thing about Jisung, he always knew that you didn’t need to be asked twice, you just needed a bit of time sometimes.

You winced at the pain of your throat tightening even more when you tried to speak, crushing your spirits even further. And not only were you sitting there, crying in front of Jisung, but he looked like he was going to start crying as well.

Deciding to just get it over with and face your demons, you shuffled a bit closer to Jisung, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down at least a little bit. With shaky hands, you slowly pulled up your clothes for him to see.

There they were. One of your biggest secrets, taking form in the abstract mess of lines of various lengths, shades, and visibility. Some were faded, some were recent. But all of them were there, staring right back at you to pull you back into reality. This was it.

The silence that followed was deafening.

You were waiting for him to say something, _anything_ , but he stayed quiet.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes. Instead, you kept your gaze on those angry red lines as your heart thrummed in your ears.

“Oh no.”

...

His words repeated in your head over and over again. You didn’t understand. You _couldn’t_ understand. Where was the disgust you were expecting? Or the breakup that you were preparing yourself for this whole time?

“No, no, no no no no. Baby, why...” He trailed off, trying to process everything that he was seeing. “Come here,” he pulled you into his arms, sighing deeply. 

You couldn’t move, staying stiff in his embrace. 

It was through your rigid state that you noticed the slight tremble in his arms and labored breathing as he held onto you tight, tighter than ever before.

Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him too, pressing you closer together. You stayed like this for a couple of minutes, trying to take everything in. The silence enveloped you again, only broken by Jisung’s occasional kiss to the top of your head as he tightened his grip around you.

After a bit, he leaned away from you, making you lift your head up from his chest to look at him. You looked into his sorrowful eyes, giving him a bitter smile.

“We’re going to get you help, okay? We can get you someone to talk to about this, if you want. Someone who knows how to deal with these things. And in the meantime, you can always just talk to me, you know? I’m here for you. I’ll be there for you when you need me, just-” he hugged you right back into him, exhaling a deep breath as he thought about what to say and how to say it.

“Just please, if you ever feel like this, or if you feel even the slightest need to do this again, call me.”

“B-but, I don’t want to bother you...” You mumbled into his chest, heart beating at your words. You’ve never been this honest with anyone before. It was terrifying.

“You won’t, baby. No matter how busy I might be, you won’t bother me. What would hurt me more is if you wouldn’t tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel like this in order to help you. So please, can you promise me that you’ll tell me? Pretty please?” His words ended in a mere whisper, looking deeply into your eyes.

You leaned forward into one of the softest and gentlest of kisses you’ve probably ever had. When you pulled back, the two of you just looked at each other again, with you giving Jisung a small smile.

“I promise.”

_And it was just because of him that you never broke that promise._

It wasn’t easy, of course. Countless hesitant phone calls to Jisung followed after that night. Some were relatively short, with only small words of affirmation and a gentle and sincere ‘I love you’ at the end to ease your mind. Others went on for hours, with Jisung distracting you by talking to you, the two of you getting lost in each other’s thoughts and ideas. All of the calls did help, however, and you could feel yourself starting to get better once you began opening up to him more. Did it feel embarrassing and scary? Of course it did, but it also helped you realize more things about yourself and your feelings. You started to notice small patterns in your urges. What time of the day were they the strongest, what things or activities triggered them, and so on.

It never really went away, though. Not yet, at least. There were still moments that gave you that strangely addicting tingle in your skin, ones that reminded you of your past doings. Only this time, you resisted them every time. Each time that you looked at your past scars and saw them slowly beginning to fade, you knew you had to keep going. You couldn’t disappoint Jisung. You couldn’t disappoint yourself. You couldn’t let the cycle start all over again. So you resisted.

Nothing would have been possible without Jisung, however. It was like he developed a sixth sense for it. Every time he noticed your face drop slightly, or the way you were picking at your fingers anxiously, he knew what was going on. And every time he noticed this, he didn’t hesitate to do whatever he needed to do to make you feel better. Whether that meant subtly changing the topic of your friend group’s conversation or goofing around with you until you were laughing again, he didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted to see you happy again. And he succeeded every time.

It wasn’t just subtle things like this, though. He was very open about it with you as well, never shying away from the topic. He wanted to make you feel comfortable, after all, and the last thing he wanted was for you to close off again. And so he decided to support you as much as he could, even going as far as checking off every day that you haven’t self-harmed on your little calendar on the fridge. It was a bit embarrassing for you at first, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit like a child, but you soon grew to like it as well. And as you watched the rows of checkmarks growing with each passing day, you were more and more proud of yourself.

_And so one row grew into two, then three, ten, twenty..._

The soft pads of feet echoed throughout the apartment as Jisung walked into the dim living room, a big smile on his face. You smiled back at him, getting up from the couch to hug him, but he stopped you. Confused, you looked up at him.

“Don’t get up just yet, I have something for you,” he said, and it was just then that you noticed the small box in his hands. Curious, you turned off the TV and sat up straight on the couch, waiting expectantly.

He placed the box on the table in front of you before rushing back into the kitchen for something else.

“Don’t open that just yet!” He called after you as he rummaged in the bag he brought home with him.

“I won’t, don’t worry,” you giggled at his antics, feeling a small buzz of excitement coursing through you as you sat patiently.

He returned a few seconds later, holding two small items in his hands. You couldn’t see what they were in the darkness of the room, so you waited for Jisung to do whatever it was that he was planning.

He knelt on the floor next to your spot on the couch, giving you a small grin before turning back to the box.

Opening it carefully, he revealed the small cake inside. Your favorite kind of cake, to be exact. Taking one of the things in his hand, which you finally realized was a small candle, he stuck it into the middle. With his other hand, he flicked on the lighter he was holding, lighting up the candle.

The room was now cast in a gentle yellow glow, the flame of the candle swaying slightly.

“Tadaa! Happy anniversary!” Jisung said, picking up the box and bringing it closer to you. “Blow out the candle!”

You couldn’t help but be confused. Did you miss something? It wasn’t your birthday, that you knew for a fact, nor was it Jisung’s. And you just had your anniversary the other month, so what could this mean?

“Jisung, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand. What exactly are we celebrating here?” You asked with a small chuckle, looking into Jisung’s happy eyes.

“Wait, did you forget? Today marks the year since you’ve last...you know. Since you’ve stopped harming yourself. I thought it deserved a small celebration,” he looked at you with a bashful smile, faint red tinting his cheeks.

However, when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he started to panic.

“(Y/N), are you okay? Why are you crying, baby? Wait, you didn’t start doing it again, did you...?” He said with a rushed voice, concern evident in his voice. Quickly putting the cake back on the table, he sat next to you, bringing you close as he looked all over your body for any new scars or bruises.

You just hugged him, shaking your head. “No, I didn’t, I promise. I just- this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you, Jisung. Thank you for being here for me and for caring for me and-”

“Shh, it’s okay, come here.” He whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as he did the same on yours. “You have no idea how proud of you I am. You’ve been so strong and brave this year, and I really admire you for that, you know?” He said, rubbing gentle circles on your back.

You just stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort, until Jisung spoke up again.

“And if my endless admiration isn’t enough for you to keep going, you have this cake to motivate you as well,” he said jokingly, making you chuckle with him.

You broke the hug, Jisung’s arm still wrapped around your waist as he turned back to the cake. “Do you want to blow out the candle?”

You thought to yourself before speaking again. “Can we do it together?” You asked, a light blush tinting your cheeks. Jisung just smiled, intertwining your fingers together as he bent forward slightly.

He squeezed your hand once, twice, and after the third squeeze, you blew out the flame at the same time.

The room went dim again, but you could still see the adorable shine in Jisung’s eyes as he turned back to you.

He leaned closer to you, connecting your lips in the most loving and gentle of kisses.

“I love you.”


End file.
